New Beginnings

"smile and wave, watch me fade
this is what you wanted
while you sit there and wait
I'll be the quiet mess
curled up in my own embrace
you explained it succinctly
described your needs sweetly
packaged with a ribbon
everything forgiven
no such thing as a break
this is your last mistake
now, jealousy bubbling
at the time not troubling
drop me cold, out at night
not knowing how to fight
a distant memory
a lonely heart to be
watch me as I walk away
like sunlight slips away
hello sunset, smile and wave"

It feels like every few years I have to pick myself back up and dust myself off. Thankfully, this year this has not been the case. It turns out you can learn from the past, for which I will be eternally grateful. I'd like to say that the world is full of wonderful people, because it is, but there are also a fair share of people out there willing to deceive you. And I'll be kind, and give some of them the benefit of doubt, and say that maybe their intentions were not to be unkind or cruel, that they unintentionally behaved in such a manner... but for anyone who knows me at all, well, second chances are not something I dole out any more, and neither is naivete.
          As a kid I was full of love and forgiveness, as only an innocent mind can be. Time passes and life happens and things change, we all change, thankfully, and come out the other end a little bruised and a little wiser. This year I have found myself stuck in a rut, creatively and emotionally. I lied to myself, and in doing so I lied to someone else about how I was feeling. I wish I could take it back, undo it, but I learned so much about myself from that lie that I'm glad it happened.
          I lie. All humans do, don't they? And I do so without remorse. It's a habit, a comfort.The thing is though, it can sometimes get out of hand. Have you ever lied so convincingly that you even began to believe the lie yourself? That you went from chuckling about your cleverness to immersing yourself into this fake truth you created? Like a character you write in a novel, you weave your story and tell it so convincingly that you wake up one morning and can't find the real you... the true you. I can remember why, it was to gain access to someone else's story, to know it better. Like a thief in the night I wanted to slip through a door and step into their dreams. And once I was in, even though I wanted out, even though my skin crawled in this foreign environment, I was in too deep, I needed more of the lie. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but I still wanted to stay, just a little bit longer. Unhappy as I was, part of me needed to have my lie believed. And when it inevitably fell apart, before I was ready to throw it away, it shook me, and I stumbled, and tried to grasp it all back... but failed. Because it was a lie, and there's only so many lies you can spin.
          The thing is, within a week I was writing another story, with other people, other lovers and less lies. And I was happier. So what fuelled me? The curiosity? Wanting to see if I could achieve such a feat? I don't want to believe that I could ever be a cruel person. I never intended to cause any harm. I just wanted to take a look at someone else's story, then walk away... no harm no foul. Maybe my creative stagnancy wasn't real. The pages remained blank, but my life changed. For a while at least I became someone else, small pieces of me slipping in bit by bit, fighting back. Lying, though we may all do it, is not necessarily a great thing. Big or small, lies are lies, and they never beat the truth.
            So maybe this year I haven't gone about life in the most honest of ways, but I'd be lying if I said none of it was fun. Not all lies have to be bad either. Not all lies are told for the sole purpose of being cruel or mean. Sometimes we get carried away, swept up in make believe. But that's one thing I don't ever want to do again, lie about who I am, because I'm proud to be me, with the quirks and the toughness and the passion and the intensity I sometimes have. If you need to lie about who you are just to get to know someone better, trust me, they're not worth knowing, no matter how curious you may be.


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